Being a nurse, I was trying to find any symptom or sign of pregnancy that would occur early on. I would get my hopes up thinking maybe this is the month I would get pregnant and then the dreaded monthly period would come and down on the roller coaster we went. During this time I was working full time and working a lot of overtime. And as a nurse I didn't take many breaks during the day if at all. Eventually, after Kyle graduated, I reduced my hours and went to PRN (as needed) for many reasons.
At first, we decided not to tell anyone that we were trying for a baby because we would tell them when we got pregnant. After about a year of trying we decided to tell our family and friends. Our church was supportive in prayer and encouragement. I realized that having a baby was becoming an idol in my heart. A lot of what I spent my time or thoughts on were focused on having a baby. We knew that God would give us a child if it was according to his good and perfect will. Romans 8:28 - And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those called according to His purpose. As time went on, God was working on my heart and trust in Him that He knew what was best. This is the time where I started to think maybe God had a different plan than me being a mom or a mom of my own child. But God also put on my heart that children are a gift from the Lord and children are not just ours but His image bearers (Psalm 127:3). Additionally, I learned that only He is in control of opening the womb like in the story of Hannah and her son Samuel or Elizabeth and her son John.
I started placing God back in first priority during my daily walk. In Matthew chapter 6, starting in verse 25, we are told not to be anxious about our life that the Lord provides for all that we need. I would remind myself to "seek first the kingdom of God" and that the Lord knows our needs. As I was more reliant on the Lord I also was looking at more godly perspectives of infertility. I was directed to a website by my friend and pastor's wife called familylife.com and found great perspectives on this issue. I also found that adoption was actually a real and God-honoring option. I had always said that if we couldn't have a child of our own that we would adopt. But that statement was never a reality until then. I was also torn in not wanting to be prideful, or not wanting to adopt a child for self motivated reasons. This website also helped me to see that God was the first adoptive parent as our Father! He adopted us into His family, what great love He has shown us through His Son (Romans 8:15)!
We were still trying to get pregnant while looking at the option of adoption. Through the years of waiting we had gone through a surgery for Kyle (we knew he had condition that could have an effect on fertility before we started trying but didn't know how much it affected it), changed my life style habits (like actually eating for every meal and eating right), started body basal temp tracking, and went through a book that helped identify possible fertility problems before going to a fertility specialist). Before changing insurances (because of work) I did go in for a one-time visit to the fertility clinic to see if they could figure any thing out with blood work (nothing showed up abnormal). With insurance changing and the experience of a prideful doctor, God closed the door. It was clear to us in our situation that God wanted us to know that only He was the giver of life. (We recognize that fertility is an option for some people and God is the one who gives and sustains life in that circumstance also). To be continued....
No comments:
Post a Comment